teaching my kids to talk....

I'm worried about my 10 and 11 year old sons. You see, their current language expression seems to be limited to 1) an excessive use of the word "like" in non-comparative situations, followed by 2) a nearly unintelligible onomatopoeia.  Don't know what I'm talking about? I'll bet you do, and I'll bet your kid speaks the same way.

I'll give you an example. I don't think I'd be exaggerating to say I hear this type of statement 100 times a day: "I was like Aarrrgh!" (Similar examples would include "I was like Aw!", "I was like Whoa", or "I was like Uhhhhh!") You get the pattern.

Let's break this down, shall we? The phrase begins with "I was like..." No actual comparison is about to be made, but rather, a feeling or emotion is about to be expressed. This phrase is then followed by a noise that would be very hard to spell if you had to actually write it down, like, say, in a blog post. A word that means nothing more than the sound it expresses is called, as you may know, an onomatopoeia. An example is the word "pop," which simply means the sound of something popping. The old Batman TV series used to flash onomatopoeic words during fist fights with villains: "Wham!" "Ka-pow!" You get the idea. Some onomatopoeia uses are legitimate, but my sons use many words that are nothing more than noises, grunts, or whines.

So, in an effort to foster clearer communication and more precise use of the English language, I've imposed a few rules:

1. Don't use the word "like" except as a verb or when making a comparison. 

Correct: "I like ice cream."
Correct: "Soft ice cream is like frozen yogurt."
Incorrect: "My ice cream melted all over me, and I was like Ooougg!"

2. Use words, not noises, to express feelings.

Correct: "I was not happy."
Correct: "I felt embarrassed."
Incorrect: "I was like Awh, man!"

Correct: "I was relieved."
Correct: "I felt excited."
Incorrect: "I was like Ho yeah!"

A third rule I've recently imposed is this: If it's on the floor and it's not the leg of a chair, table, or furniture item, then it's in wrong place: pick it up! That's a discussion for a future blog post, I know. But when the kids leave stuff all over the floor, "I'm like Arrrrgh!...."